How to Own Your Phone Without It Owning You

Full transcript

Automatic transcript, lightly corrected for names, with profanity masked. Some passages may contain transcription errors.

Hey everybody, welcome to the Inner Circle. I am Kevin Dahlstrom, and with me as always is my good friend and member of my Inner Circle, Mike Brown. And you know, the idea here is we're having the conversations that we have anyway. It's just that we hit the record button and the hope is that somebody out there benefits from something that we say. And today folks buckle up because this one could get a little bit spicy and deep quickly. This topic came from something that Mike experienced recently that I completely related to. So Mike, I'll let you tell the full story, but basically you went on this epic hella skiing trip that you do every year. I

see the pictures and I have massive FOMO, even though I don't ski. But you know, you went away to this remote lodge with this amazing group of people and you came back and you basically told me I'm feeling like really disillusioned with the world. Like I don't even know if I want to post on X anymore. And it's something we can all relate to because that happens to me every time, like, I disconnect from the world for a little while. And I think, you know, a lot of us call it like the post vacation blues, blues or whatever, like you gain this new perspective or you're in this new environment, you come you come back and you're like, oh, I'm back to the same old s*** again again. I didn't realize how toxic this was. And so Mike, dig a little bit more more into like the way that you are feeling. And then let's talk about how to process that.

Yeah, I mean, you know, number one, I think everybody should take at least one phone fast a year. This is a hill I will absolutely die on is we get so addicted to this device in our pocket. And it takes a few days of having your phone away to start to really see like the tentacles that it has on you, right? And, and look, I love posting on X, let me just start there like I love the challenge of writing and sharing my thoughts and a concise way with the world and seeing if it resonates. And at the same time, I went away to this heli skiing trip, put my phone away for 10 days. And it just had the most epic experience. And I came back and I opened up the app. And man, like, there is so much negativity. And after

taking the break, the contrast was just we was so stark. It was just like, oh man, like, do I really want to get a get back into this and I, and I sort of didn't realize how just being on there. And even though like I've curated my feed the best I can, I can to get rid of a lot of the politics and a lot of the negativity, like it's creeping in at a level that I actually wasn't realizing how much it was affecting me and getting back on to like post again for the first time. I actually just shut my phone off and put it back in my pocket. I was like, I'm not ready for this. Yeah. And I think that's something that we need to listen to because it's like death by 1000 cuts like lies in your day to day life, how much

into that world and how the tentacles have gotten into you. And then you take take a break and what it provides is perspective. And that's why to your point, like, it's so important to do a phone fast occasionally. I think international travel in particular, like just getting away from everything you know is the best way to gain perspective. And, you know, look, we have to come back and, you know, re-immers and get back to real life. But I think we should listen to those feelings because, to me, when you mentioned that after you got back and you mentioned it to me, we said, hey, we should talk about this on the podcast. And I wrote down a word, the word motivation mark in my notes because what it made me think about was

it makes you question your motivation for doing things. And it's timely that we're talking about this today because you know, we're in the midst of this Iran conflict. And regardless of which side of the political spectrum you fall on, like, it's just, it's become toxic out there, man. It's like there's so much outrage and so much fake b*******. And it just really drags you down. And it makes me, like, I have, I've posted way less on X in the past week than I have in probably two years, because I've been struggling with the same thing. It's just like, you know, what am, am I there for? And like, I'll write something that's really heartfelt and it gets drowned out by all the Iran war, b*******, politics stuff. And so it really, to me, comes back to like, why am I doing what I'm

doing? Yeah. And, and I'll font the thing that, you know, America's real national pastime, which is

and the reality is, I don't think so, right? Like we are, we, the war machine has been turning long before I was 18 and certainly long before for America, like this is, this is not new. But here's what I learned in 2008. I was, I was, you know, it was Bush versus Obama and, and I remember people being really, really, afraid, my parents, who are Republican, very afraid that Obama was going to gut the military and put our war fighters in danger. And Obama got elected. And I remember walking down the hall of the aircraft carrier. And I saw a sailor taking George Bush's photo out of the, out of the, the picture on the wall. And putting,

you know, Obama's photo. And I walked to my jet and I went to war and I bombed Iraq that day, right? And, and what, here's, here's what I learned that day in 2008 is that number one, regardless of who's elected, the war machine keeps on turning and the cash register goes catching, right? And just this week, right? I log on after coming back from this helly skiing, you know, now we're doing regime change again in Iran. And Trump's just met with all of the defense contractors in order to quadruple weapons production, right? So here we, we are, you know, the guy who promised no more wars and, and the war machine is turning and the cash register is ringing once again. And it's, it's just tough to see, especially as someone

has been on the inside. Yeah, I always love your takes on war and, and, you know, politics, which are two sort of the same thing in a way. Because, you know, it's easy to have a hot take on, on war and some of these international issues. When I'm sitting in my 5,000 square foot house in in Boulder, Colorado, it's another thing to actually be. As you, were in a fighter jet flying over, you know, Iraq dropping bombs. So you know, for me, to kind of tie what you just said together with where we started, which is like this, you know, this, you know, we're bombarded on social media with this stuff 24 seven. The problem with these phones we have is that it allows us to

carry all the world's problems in our pocket. We're aware in a way that we never were and so what are we to do with, and I, and the

of course, I love getting viral posts. I love getting the praise, but, but I love having a following because it's it just turbo charges everything. But ultimately, like I, I keep coming coming. If I stray from that, it impacts me in a super negative way. And I'm going to just tell you like, but literally I haven't been posting much lately, but I posted something yesterday that I think relates to this conversation. I said the market for negativity and misinformation is much larger than the market for positivity and truth. But here's the good news. Each of us gets to decide which market we participate in, choose carefully because you are what you consume. Man, that, that, that hits. I mean, it really does

and, you know, the thing for me is you. You're going to get bombarded, anyway. Right. And it, and it's back to a matter of boundaries. Like, am I going to let this affect me and and sometimes the answer is yes. Like for the most part, you know, it's, it's not like X started being a negative this week, right? With the war. Like, like, like, like this is, this is not new. For the most part, it didn't affect me, right? Because I've learned how to kind of put up those walls, consume what I want to click on, what I want to. But this week hit different, right? Like I lost a friend this week, another friend. And this was a friend that served. He's in community with me.

You know, he had all of the tools. He had the support and we still lost him anyway, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. And when that happens, like, I've got to care, right? Because it, it's not the people starting the wars who are paying a price, right? It's the people that go on and serve. So it was actually worth it to me to pause a little bit. This is something I care about. And I'm actually going to engage by choice, in some of this, because it's worth thinking about. It's worth fighting for. It's worth having a hot take. It's worth sharing my perspective. But often it's not, right? And so, what is the threshold for engaging or even letting some of this in, like I have largely

since that day in 2008, been very disconnected from politics because I don't have the illusion of imagining either side is going to be better for the war machine, right? Like I've been largely disconnected, but sometimes it's worth re-engaging. So, so, so how do you think about that? Like, responsibility to pay attention to what's going on in the world and, and to be educated and to to help effect change, right? But at the same time, you. You can't boil the ocean. And so, I think the, what I keep coming back to is, it's like a cliche, but you know, cliches are cliches for a reason, which is like, be the change. Like, you know, you can be aware of

the problems at a global level, and you can have a perspective and want to make a difference. But the biggest way to make an impact is to start with yourself and be the change. Yeah. And this is it, right? Like why you and I both started posting on social media, right?

Like, look, man, I don't know everything, but I know a whole lot more than I did 10 years ago. And not only, you know, beyond posting to an audience of one, like I'm posting to me 10 years ago, like I'm sharing the things that I figured out through blood, sweat, tears and a lot of heartache. And hopefully I can shortcut someone else's pain. And I think one of those is, again, it may sound cliche. It may sound funny. I'm

like, man, this really changed me today. I needed to hear this. And that's it. Like that's why I keep keep it's logging on. You know, and if the point of negativity starts to outweigh those points of positivity, maybe I'll take a break. And I think the answer for me, and I'm, you, you know, thinking about this real time is the conventional wisdom for posting on social media is you've got to post every day. You've got to show up every single day. I don't think that's true. Like I'm going to show up when it feels like it's serving me. And if it's not, I'm going to take a little break and re-evaluate. Yeah. So a couple of thoughts. So I'll give a very specific example of, you know, how I think you can have an impact on the world without sort of being one of the crabs in the bucket. You know, so I consider myself a Christian. Now, I caveat that by

saying like, you know, my brand of Christianity, if you will, is probably different than a lot of people's, which, you know, I could, I could talk for an hour about that. But I do consider myself a Christ follower, a Christian. But that doesn't manifest by me debating with atheists, the virtues of Christianity versus Islam versus is there a God or not? I just try to live my life accordingly. And if that's attractive to anybody else, then maybe that comes up in the conversation. And I think, you know, I only bring that is an example of like, you can apply that sort of thinking to everything like back to the be the change. Like, you know, if I have a hot take on how the homeless should be treated, then why don't I just become a shining example

of how it should work. And then maybe others will find that like, oh, that's actually really, I love the way Mike approaches that I'm going to do do that. And, and it's tied in to this idea that you and I have made a lifelong study of like what makes like everything we ever write is about that one question. And fundamental to that is something that Tony Robbins has said for decades, which is you'll never be happy if you're focused on self and the best way to be, happy, is to help others. And the best way to help others is not by going in my opinion is not by going and spending all of your time protesting an issue that's happening 5,000 miles away that you don't understand. It's probably by helping somebody

right around you, helping them with what, what ever their problem is. And if everybody did that, right, the pay it forward, then the world becomes a much better place. One of the fundamental tenants that I write about often is there's no true wealth without service, right? The day you become truly wealthy is the day you realize it's not about you. But there's concentric circles of service, right? First of all, change starts with yourself. At the, at the innermost circle of service is serving yourself, like becoming the best version of yourself, you know, eliminating the things that are dragging you down and focusing on the things that make you the best version of yourself. That, that's number one. The second concentric circle is family. family. Okay, cool cool. How am I going to apply that to my family? And yes, it's show, don't tell, right? Like, we all know like kids

are watching a whole lot more than they're listening, right? I can tell my kid how I want them to act act, or I can just show them what acting right looks like. And one of those is a lot more effective. And then it moves into community, and it moves into the world, right? And hopefully I'm living in alignment across all of those things. But you know, again, back to what's happening a lot online, especially with the release of the Epstein files and all kinds, we're seeing people that have had a lot of hot takes on global change, find out that their house is not in order, right? That they're not living in accordance to the values, you know, individually and with their family. And like why the f*** am I going to listen to someone, even if they have an amazing opinion that I agree with, but I found out their house is not in order, like I'm going to dismiss that person.

100%, I think that that that concentric circles model, too many people have flipped it, and they put all of their focus on global, global problems. And as you said, they don't have their own house in order. And not only is it like, like, those aren't the people who I think are worth emulating, but also it's just ineffective, right? You're just not going to be effective until you kind of start that core with yourself and work outward. So let's wrap up by, let me ask, you in a very real sense, like, you came back, you were pretty disillusioned about the world, you like opened your phone, you're like, f*** that, you put it away. But now you've probably come back to center a little bit. Howותר that work? Like, how do you find that center again? I mean, for me, it's number one,

it's it's served me at a high level. I've found clients like, you know, and my writing makes an impact. So I don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, right? So now I just evaluate, okay, you know, what does setting boundaries and making sure that I'm keeping the thing that that is serving me without bringing in a bunch of negativity. So, you know, what I've been thinking about is, okay, cool, can I write and post before I scroll, right? Like that's something that's really helped me. And then B is, you know, can I constantly reimagine my relationship with this? And like right now, maybe it's a little bit too hot. Like, maybe the world is a little bit too polarized for me to engage in the way I was, I can actually continue

to sort of take a break, put limits on it, maybe still put some writing out on the world and I'm going to be maybe a little less involved than I was. And then just keep asking, keep asking the For me, it's always a retreat to the things that really matter. When I find myself getting pissed off at the, and feeling like that nasty feeling in my stomach that you get when you when

you're doom scrolling too much, we know that's not healthy. And And so for me, I say, I get super clear on what really matters. And it's, by the way, it's mostly the same for all of us. It's like for me, what really matters to me, my wife, my two daughters, being outside in nature. I love rock climbing and what it represents for me. I like writing for the simple joy of writing. There's a short list of things. And I find that if I retreat to those things and focus on those, the rest sort of melts away. And that's the way to be happy anyway. And I can still be aware of what's going on in the world. I can still affect change in my own way. But it has to start with the things that really matter.

And I'm saying how we will scroll social media. We'll spend an inordinate amount of time following professional sports. We'll look max ourselves. We'll do all this stuff. And it's like it adds up to many hours every week that are just absolute f****** waste waste of time. And that's just like a huge epiphany for me is like, what are you spending your time on? Right? And helping others is

likewise, brother. We're works in progress. I appreciate you as being part of my inner circle, man. You've had a huge impact on my life. And if I could, I could echo that and right back at you. And we will see you guys next time on the inner circle.